Relapse

Relapse is unfortunately a ugly, part of recovery. Sometimes people do relapse and that’s just how it goes. I haven’t been blogging for the last week and a bit because I got readmitted into psychiatric care after an overdose. I had been discharged for impatient and become a day patient. I was doing really well, then I think the cracks started to show and eventually it went wrong because I refused to admit that I was struggling.I think if I had admitted I was struggling i would of been able to avoid being readmitted. I was a day patient for roughly 2 and a bit weeks, which is amazing considering I had never spent longer than 3 nights at home for the past 5+ months. Althought It all went wrong I don’t want to take away from the achievement of doing two weeks really well, I managed to cope pretty well for two weeks.

Not going into huge detail, but due to an large overdose I had to be readmitted,i had to spent a night in A&E. luckily I was able to see that it was better to go in willingly than put up a fight because it’s easier to leave at a later date when your not under section. At first I beat myself up over ending up back in hospital, I hated the fact that I had messed it up myself. I thought everyone blamed me for the fact I was back in hospital. I thought everyone was angry at me for being back in hospital. I felt like a huge failure for ending up back in hospital. Although by beating myself up I was making myself worse, I was very much stuck in my emotional mind. I was walking on very thin ice. I wish someone had of told me I wasn’t a failure, think everyone’s first reaction was to be angry, and flustered. This was definitely the wrong reaction.

I am still techically a impatient although I am working hard to get discharged again. I don’t want to stay I hospital because personally I don’t think it’s helpful to me, but I also understand that sometimes it’s necessary for my own safety.

I want to work towards getting home permanently and being able to cope within the community. I understand relapse is really annoying and hard to deal with but is a natural and normal part of recovery. Some people have more relapses than others. It’s not about the relapse it’s about how you deal and learn from it.

My Exsperiance as a day patient!

I am currently a day patient, and to be totally honest I hate it! I hate the ward I’m on, after being transferred from my first ward. So I guess it’s not supprising I hate the day patient program as much as I hated being an impatient.

I come in at 9am then can leave any time from 4pm, often my dad picks me up after he gets off work around 6pm. That’s a LONG time to be stuck somewhere I don’t wanna be! It’s hard coming in every morning, it deffinetly affects my mood! I get teary, agitated and just plain angry coming in every morning which just sets me off on a emotional rollercoaster! I understand why they make me come in every weekday, because it means that I’m not sat at home “doing nothing” although I always find somthing to do after 12!

I attend the on site education that’s attached to the ward. I find it hard because I am quite a bright bloke and unforunetly the other people attending the school have learning issues or simply haven’t been in school to learn. For me school was always my escape from my mental health, but this place makes it worst! I have 4, hour long lessons. Although it feels about 40 hours!

I also can attend the group that’s on after the education session. This can be art psychotherapy group, drama group, gardening group, woodwork and other activities. I love woodwork, it’s about the only thing that makes coming in bearable.

I often struggle to get home because if i show any emotion i risk being kept in the hospital. Its definitely easier to get sucked back in, on the other hand it is good to have someone who you can call if it goes wrong.

MIND Wellbeing Journal

 

So recently i invested in a wellbeing journal, I have brought one from the charity Mind.  I often have notebooks and stuff lying around for me to jot down thoughts and feeling or just reminders inside. I often struggle to keep a “journal” mostly because i was teased endlessly as a kid for being a boy with a journal. i have always liked to note stuff down because i simply have the memory of a goldfish and i always forget everything!

Inside the journal is a mixture of activities, lined pages, plain pages and qoutes. I like how it gives you the choice to put what you want to put in there. i think I’m going to put a mood tracker in mine. I haven’t used the book much yet so I’m still open to suggestions (your more than welcome to leave suggestions in the comments).

I also want to put instructions to myself such as what to do during a panic attack or flashback. I also want to make space for me to put positive things that have happened as so often all the positive things get lost among the bad. Sometime completely lost, even though more often than not there is more good we tend to focus on the bad.

I’m excited to see how the journal evolves and i will keep you guys updated on how its going!